Dear Rug,
Today was one of those days. Those days when you're content one moment, and throwing a tantrum the next. The stress has finally gotten to me. o_o
That's it! No more 1am studying for you, Fig.
It's been a weird day.
I woke up. Checked emails, social media, bla bla bla. Washed up. Ate a vegan grilled cheese with tomato and onion, and half a banana (I have no idea where the other half went. I'm convinced that it grew feet and ran away from that mob of fruit flies that seem to be nonstop fiesta-ing in our fruit bowls). Sat down at my desk. Checked today's agenda. Let out a sigh loud enough to be heard from the arctic. Slowly opened my textbook. Stared at it for half an hour. Flipped a couple pages. Nothing. Got up. Stretched. Sat down. Nothing. Took a break. Went on Reddit and buzzfeed to pass time. Opened book again. Nothing. Calmed myself down. Wasted some more time laying in bed thinking about some deep stuff. Ate lunch. Grew more impatient (which, let me tell you, only made matters worse). Opened (*SLAM*) the book. Stared at the passages. "WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?! I LOVE LANGUAGE ARTS! I DO. I DO, OKAY?!". Stared at the passage s'more. Hurdled myself onto my bed and began throwing pillows across the room hysterically. Drained my energy all while looking like a cross between angry Hulk and King Kong. Texted friend about my panic attack (?). Received little sympathy as she was too busy enjoying her summer break while I was stuck inside studying all day. Did some focus yoga. Felt a little better. Sat in lotus pose and thought about my whole situation. Threw myself a pity party. Kicked myself out of the party a few minutes later. Decided to stop listening to everyone else. Decided to do this for me, and me only. Calmly got up, downloaded an alarm app on my phone, set alarms. Opened my book. Began studying while standing on my balcony.
I think what I realized today is that I need to stop listening to what everyone else says and wants. They all mean well, and everyone wants me to do well. However, to truly succeed, I need to ignore all the well-meaning (but pressuring) comments and focus on doing well for the sake of my future.
They are all very sweet, and clearly show that they care; I love them. But I just can't think about any of that anymore. With the test looming ahead and all the pressure and stress that comes with it, I just can't afford another day like today. I need to stop feeling like I'm going to let everyone down, if I don't get a perfect score. I will work my butt off to get the best score I can. And maybe that will be a perfect score, maybe it won't be. But either way, I will take full responsibility. It is not anyone else's responsibility to tell me that I need a perfect score. It's mine.
I'll keep you updated as the week and test approaches. In the meantime, I hope you're having a fantastic time at your cousins'.
Love,
